See You On The Other Side...

I must begin this, my most comprehensive and heartfelt entry, with the lyrics of a song that I have recently come upon (Noticed-Mute Math). "Careful when you open, It's easy to be broken." The warning does not so much apply to me, I understand the risk involved in putting my words out for all to see, and have elected to embrace it. So it comes down to you, the reader and hopefully one of my good friends, whether these words will affect our lives, for better or worse. By no means am I trying to force people to read what most would consider trivial and irrelevant thoughts, but now it is here for you if you have the desire to make the venture. So please, if you do, first reflect on our current relationship and ask yourself if you are willing to let that change. I will not promise you will have no regrets, but I have done my best to share my true self in my work below and I believe everyone should and deserves to be able to share in the expression of my life if they so choose.

I must also ask one more thing of those who have made it past the first paragraph: please find it in your heart to share with me how my words have affected you. As a source of inspiration your criticism or praise means more to me than you could know. I like to think that I have a high capacity for empathy, an ability to see others' feelings and try to fully understand them by putting them in my own heart. But this is just a capacity and requires people to share their feelings with me in order to fulfill it. You will notice my desire to achieve this as one of the themes in my writing so I will leave it simply to that point for now. So now that I am done with this pre-intro, please, join me in this journey through the mind, heart and soul. Thank you...

Have you ever felt a sudden urge to write something? To put into words a deep felt truth you suddenly came to realize? I feel that urge often, but with a numbing realization. No matter how much effort I put into relaying that message, no one will come to understand it in the same manner I have. No one can understand the feeling that I have at that moment, a feeling that defines me, creates a new me every time I encounter it. No, no one can understand it. At least no one has yet. I can say this without exception. But then why do I still write it? If you can answer that, maybe that's the first step in really understanding me.

So I will continue...

Following this will be the best compilation of my mind I can imagine. My thoughts, poems, comments on songs and trailers, my own songs (short as they may be) and a general pouring out of my self, because, if you haven't figured it out yet, I don't like to think it only belongs to me. While I certainly may have more to contribute to this blog, this will be my final entry I feel obliged to enter. I made a lot of promises to share with you, and the length of time it has taken me to complete that has carried with me. While I'm sure no one is holding their breath for me to achieve my goal, a theme you will find later is the weight of unfinished business, and this is one I will be glad to complete. So, if you have made it this far, maybe you will take a few more steps in my shoes and help me understand my own view of this world...

Comment before beginning: if you happen to be reading this as my good friend, please do not take my comments that I am "lonely" or "sad" to mean that I don't consider you a good companion or that your friendship has failed me. All I have are my friends and family, and I love and cherish all of you. However, I can't change how I was feeling when I wrote what I did, and, well, it is what it is...

THE ABOUT ME
(7-5-2006)

1. Full name? Philip Reed Wills McDonagh III (you better remember it)
2 Nicknames? Budger, Butt-Head, Butterfly (all of them have an explanation, except the weird fact that they all start with B-U) ohh yeah, and the kids call me Mr. Reed
3. Piercings? Nothing can penetrate my skin :-D
4. Place of birth? Annapolis, MD
5. Favorite food? Steak and Cheese Subs + ketchup (lots of ketchup)
6. What is your current occupation? Summer Camp Cousellor (although I tend to act like a kid more than the actual kids do)
7. What color is your underwear today? Actually, I’m wearin my awesome green underwear with pink crabs on em
8. Do you have any pets? Nope, but I do like to consider my friends as my personal little pets
9. What was the last thing you ate? A delicious ice cream sandwich
10. Do you wish on stars? I don’t think huge balls of burning gas could make my only wish come true, or could they...
11. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I would have to go with macaroni and cheese as well, because people would be like ”mmm, macaroni and cheese” and then take a bite out of my arm, just to realize that crayons taste like CRAP (take my word for it). Then I would just fill in the hole with play-doh!
12. How is the weather right now? dark
13. Last person you spoke to on the phone? The D Frank
14. Who sent this to you? Well, if we’re goin by the last person who did it, that would be the Bri-man
15. What are your favorite chips? Grandma Utz
16. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Superman Returns
17. What was the last movie you watched? Cinderella Man
18. Favorite day of the year? You can’t possibly predict that (and btw, Brian ure such a geek for pickin PI day! )
19. What do you do to vent anger? Beat up the kids in my camp, or just sleep and dream about it
20. What was your favorite toy as a child? My imagination
21. Fall or Spring? Hey, what happened to summer and winter. Ohh well, I guess I’ll have to go with fall
22. Hugs or kisses? BOTH. AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!! while rounding third...WHAT??? Sick. (i'm gonna keep Jeremy's answer on this one because I liked it a lot. haha) (yeah this is still entertaining. Learning more about Jeremy every day...and I thought you were the polite one...) (im gonna have to keep this one too. it makes me smile) (hey guys, I just don’t get this one. I mean who would want to hug and kiss someone in the middle of playing baseball? Someone’s gonna have to explain this to me…)
23. Been in a car accident? Not with another person, but I was able to pop both my right tires in one fell sweep
24. If you were able to have lunch with one person who would it be? This question only makes me want us to have pirate hat lunches!!
25. Who is most likely to respond? Well, we haven’t heard from the Belma yet
26. Have you ever dyed your hair? No, my hair is perfect (for now)
27. Living arrangements? Some sort of big rectangular box with a bed in it
28. When was the last time you cried? Umm, lets see… Hey wait, I’m a man. I don’t cry! Thanks for reminding me Brian ;-)
29. What is on the floor of your closet? carpet
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? That would be the D Frank
31. What did you do last night? Swam, ate crabs and set off some sweet fountain fireworks
32. Favorite smell? me
33. What inspires you? The DBZ episode where Gohan kills Cell (specifically the part where Vegeta says “It’s not fear that’s holding me back, its just…”� [clue: it was his pride])
34. What are you afraid of? Not much anymore, since I’ve been using my willpower to overcome them. Right now I’m workin on bein buried alive, so feel free to try it out in a few months.
35. How many tattoos do you have? none, but I’m pretty excited about tryin to find Brian’s pink butterfly :-D
36. What was your most memorable birthday? Probably one of the ones where all my friends stayed over and just played Goldeneye all night (I think there were three or four years that we did that)
37. Favorite dog breed? Chesapeake (I just picked it because it’s the name of my bay, I really just like all dogs as long as they’re playful)
38. Number of keys on your key ring? 3: one for my house, one for my car, and one for my secret sex dungeon (oops, I didn’t say that)
39. How long have you been at your current job? First one
42. What are you listening to right now? My mom yelling at me that dinner’s ready
43. What characteristics do you despise? Man, I guess u all hate me according to your answers, but I love u all anyway
44. What kind of car do you drive? 2002 GMC Envoy with nice ND accents
45. What foods do you dislike? Really spicy, but that might be changing
46. Love someone so much it made you cry? There was this one girl, wait, ahhh, u almost got me again, yeah Im all man! Anyways, u probably need to fall in love before u can cry over it..
...probably...
47. Favorite restaurant? Depends on my mood, but the top ones would be either any Chinese Buffet or Ledo’s, best pizza ever!
48. Favorite flower? I have yet to find a blue flower that I like, and don’t give me no artificially colored rose crap!
49. Favorite sport to watch? Football, soccer and curling
50. Favorite Ice Cream? Orange sherbet with chocolate syrup on top
51. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family &
friends? Well, I talk to most of you anyway, so if you haven’t heard my
amazing news yet, you should probably talk to me.

THE POEMS
(Comment: many of these are “unfinished,” but likely will continue to be)

Miracles (4/28/2006)
Who can deny miracles?
Those who don’t experience them
Those with bad fortune
Those who lose
Those who cry
But as for those who still believe in miracles
Though they have gone through all these
How great they must be
In the eyes of others
Whatever (8/5/2006)
I woke up
Head clear
Just like every morning
Went to sleep with a thousand thoughts
Woke up with none
Just a memory
Tell me something?
About me

Untitled (8/6/2006)
Everyone is waiting for something
A moment can only last that long
Be content to end at any one of them

Rain falling outside
When will the next drop fall
Tears in my eyes
Don’t remember why
Don’t remember much

Learn for yourself
No being afraid
Single special

Catch a ride
Cut the need
Who am I?
Follow me

Waiting: A Poem about Me to You (8/6/2006)
I don't know you yet
I know I’ve said you don't
But I’m sure you know me
Better than most

You sat there waiting
I thought it might be for me
But I could never convince myself
And so I ended up waiting too

Others came and went
You were always there

The time came for you
But it wasn't time for me
I lost my chance
And so I ended up waiting again

We separated
The contact was scarce
I learned a little about you
But not from you

I tried to forget
But it wouldn't last long
Because I remembered
That I don't know you yet

So here I am
Still waiting
I've got a lot to learn
And I don't want to do it alone

Tired (9/4/2006)
I'm getting kind of tired
My life seems such a mess
If only you could read me
Else my life is meaningless

Untitled (9/5/2006)
There’s something on the inside
Begging to come out
But what’s on the outside
Doesn’t know
He only sees what he wants
Can’t find his own reality
Makes his decisions
Expresses something
Not himself

Untitled (9/26/2006)
Feels like another day
Everything goes right
You can feel your heart pound
Feel the tingle in your toes
See the beauty in front of you
Smell the fragrance of life
And then you wake up
And can’t help but search for that feeling

Untitled (9/26/2006)
The trees only speak the truth
Can you hear them?
You could spend your life listening
But wouldn’t you rather get on that tire swing?

Untitled (9/26/2006)
Somewhere lays the answer
Could be a question asked many times
Could be the first
But it won’t be the last
Ever
So ponder as you will
But come to terms that you will never be satisfied

Untitled (9/26/2006)
Dry like me
Say you don’t know
Do you need to
Feel?
Cry?
Live?

Miss (12/13/2006)
I will miss the days
When rain would make me smile
But now it’s just rainbows and starshine
And I will miss these days too

(Early 2007)
Somewhere where you go
Is anything I find it to be

And everyone you know
Is somewhere there inside of me

What could you see there?
It’s truly beyond my sight

Whatever you see there
Just continues to dim the light

Continue to be free
It’s all you could ever be

I can’t the way you see
Whatever is beyond me

Forever is for you
For me it’s just eternity

Call it what you will
We’ll know it all some day

So keep it to myself
Forever is eternity
(5/7/2007)
The elements all burn
Emitting a spectrum of colors

But what of me?
I am not only made of the elements

So what is emitted
When my soul burns?

Eyes (5/30-5/31/2007)
I
I stare at the sun
Loosing myself in thought
Before I know it
I’ve lost my sight

I stand there in darkness
I stand for a long time
Nothing around me
But I still feel it
I can feel the eyes
They peer at me
Pierce me

I feel cold
Naked
Exposed

I get down on my knees
Bend til my head is on the ground
And I cry

When I stop
That piercing feeling is gone
I open my eyes
And the light is a relief

I find my way home
And when I finally look in the mirror
I recognize my body
But those eyes!
They did not used to be mine
They were the eyes that I had felt

II
I see you
Yes, I see you

You are crying
As well you should be

Look at your life
You are nothing but a mess

How wonderful are these eyes
For I see how great it is
To not be you

III
They used to be at my side
Oh Lord, what have I done?

These eyes have seen
What only you could

These damn eyes!
Damning, Condemning!

But no
It was not the eyes

It was me
I drove them all away

In the anger of my own revelation
I pluck out those eyes

I am once again in the darkness
And I come to realize where I am

I lie awake now, in my bed
The light is once again a relief

But can I call it a dream
Or was it really me?

Content (6/2007)
You lay there
Content in your stillness

The only notion of time
Is the movement of the clouds

You know your body is still there
But only because you feel the tingle of the wind

Otherwise it is just your mind
Left on its own

You let it be free

As the sky dims
A thought crosses your mind

You feel something moving below you
Expanding, it covers your body

You cannot see what it is
You are frozen in place

You feel it wrap around your skin
You are powerless in its grasp

You give in to the monster
And allow it to rise you to your feet

Untitled (Around 2007?)
If u could only hear me
I would tell you...
So much
But alas my words fall to the stone
Lost forever
They will never be spoken again
For how could they?
Since you are gone
And I am alone

My heart, once filled to the brim
Has been drained
She took my words
But left me behind

Untitled (Around 2007?)
When preparing becomes finishing
When waiting becomes enjoying
When liking becomes loving
When dreams become reality
These are the times you must cherish
And they will be here sooner than you know

Your Light (6/5/2007)
I hold your light in my hand
It fills me with warmth
It embraces me
And ever since I held it
I have been happy

But what is that?
On the horizon
I cannot see
Your light is too bright

How should I discover it?
I need to cover your light
Only for a moment
I will return to it

I see the new light
It is different
I try, but I cannot hold it
It does not embrace me

I return to your light
At least I hope it is still there

I open my hand
The light pours through my fingers
And I am refilled with the embrace
The happiness

But just as soon as the feelings return
They encounter something within me
And they begin to fade

Soon my hand no longer contains any light
It only contains a memory

I am still surrounded by light
Thousands of tiny lights
But they are all
Different

Filled (6/7/2007)
I am filled to the brim

These hands
Filled with skill

These legs
Filled with strength

This head
Filled with knowledge

This heart
Filled with love

But how I wish there were someone
To drink me down

My Imaginary Friend (6/13/2007)
Well hello my imaginary friend
How are you feeling today?
(I’m feeling exactly how you want me to feel)
Yeah, sorry you’re feeling bad, I guess it is my fault
(Well actually I’m not feeling all that bad)
Really, that’s interesting, thought your mood would reflect mine
(Maybe, you’re trying to cheer yourself up)
It might not be a bad time to do that
(Yeah, you should probably…)
Don’t tell me what to do
(…)
I guess it’s goodbye then

Scent (6/25/2007)
As I am walking along
I catch a scent on the wind

The only thing I can call it
Is beautiful

For it not only is more pleasant
Than anything I have ever smelled

But with it came the sense
Of touching the softest skin
Hearing the most joyful laugh
Looking into the most deep blue eyes

And for a moment I feel
That one most amazing feeling

But the feeling is fleeting
And I just continue walking

I should feel sad
That the feeling is gone

But I like to think of it as a reminder
That you’re out there somewhere

Change (7/31/2007)
You still feel the pain in your heart
You place the pain in his to make yourself feel better
You want to believe it when he tells you the same

But you know that he can’t change
He says it’s only you for him
All he can do is ask you for forgiveness

You’ve got forgiveness in your heart
Can you forget it this time?
Or change just to save yourself from him?

Untitled (9/13/2007)
We were two lost in the midst of finding ourselves
And we came together
And shared in our misery of misdirection
And we fell apart
And I still tried to find you
But now I have given up
And have finally found myself

Fallen (10/30/2007)
I fall on you
So you’ve nowhere to go
But you crush my spirit
From below
You look into my eyes
I avoid your stare
My eyes betray me
You see that I care
But it is not enough
Under me you decay
Soon it is bare ground
On which I lay
I roll on my back
Gaze at the stars
They reflect in my eyes
Behind them, scars
And only one thought remains
You are gone
And I am alone

Start Over (10/30/2007)
It’s fitting that it has started raining again
It was hard to hide the tears in the snow
My knees will just get a little dirtier now
But there’s something else that needs cleaning

Looking at the world outside
I don’t want it to get inside
But it’s too late for that
And all I have left is a lot of work

The fight has continued
Though I haven’t been part of it for a while
I have simply been dragged along
By this world I’ve learned to love and hate

It’s time for me to take up arms
But I don’t want to do it alone
We all know where to look for help
But it’s tough to find the strength

I have the means
And I’ve done it in the past
I can start over again
It will always be true

It’s never too late to start over

Roots (3/26/2008)
The rain settles in a puddle on the ground
Your hopes and dreams lie hidden below
The water seeps through the maze of dirt
It soaks through the immature layers of the spore
There is a spark and all it can do is grow
The weight of the earth cannot hold it back
Only time limits its potential
It finds its way to the surface
It bursts through with beautiful colors
The rain subsides and it glimmers in the sun

I have spent an eternity walking through the barren gardens of this earth
I sigh as the last of the rain slides from my cheek
A slight sense, a tickle at the back of my neck
I turn around to look at my footprints in the mud
Before my eyes I see the most spectacular sight
The flower I have been searching for
As I kneel before its fragile frame, I know that it was meant for me
I will spend the rest of my life loving and protecting you, my gift from God

That House on the Hill (6/8/2008)
That old house on the hill torments me so
Every night it seems to fill my whole window
It represents the calm and comfort that I cannot have
I want to buy it
And burn it to the ground

So I work hard
Labor so I may complete my task
Passion drives me to my end
Until I finally find myself the owner
Of that house on the hill

But the time passed is too long
And now I can only see myself snug inside it
That house on the hill

I spend all my time in that house
Cherish its shelter
My love for it consumes me
For a while

But before I know it
It has begun to bore me
I must just leave it behind
Let it rot on the hill
But it was not meant to be alone
And so I must give it to someone else

I tried to leave without looking back
But now I see that new tenant
Treasuring his new lovely home
And I cannot help but wish to again feel as he does
In that house on the hill

Rest (7/20/2008)
I can feel a change
It drives me to a finer perception
A remembrance of a beautiful life
A beautiful potential
But it is not beyond me that it is not me
This part of me I cannot deny
Despite my struggles I carry it still
It is my inspiration
The desire that creates my desire
It creates these pieces I leave behind
This is not my flaw
It is my punishment
And but for its control over me
The whole world would be mine
Once again a stranger to poetry and prose
I will find a final resting at peace

Sorrow (8/29/2008)
As a boy I was sorry for who I was
And falsity of my actions
But now that I am a man
I only feel sorry for the boys
And it is only the wise
That feel sorry for me
And only God for them

A Heart (9/24/2008)
A heart frozen in time
Cut so deep
In this flash of a moment
There is no pain

Will it refuse its fate
And dissolve into oblivion
Or drink the ultimate sacrifice
To live but a little while longer

A heart beat
The wound pours crimson
Into the waiting outside world
Onto the cold hands of true love

Many times have I died this way
But I must go on living
Continuing to bear this heartache
Each time I awaken

Untitled (11/21/2008)
Light will only at first make you squint
Such is being exposed to life
How will you adjust?
Retreat to the darkness?
Or endure the pain
To embrace the light?

Untitled (11/21/2008)
Wipe the day’s sweat from your brow
Words fail to express
So you let those fall to the ground too

Untitled (11/21/2008)
Random words fly through the mind
Will they ever express me?
How can I let others know who I am?
Is it possible, or even desirable?
I desire so much
But just as much has been denied me
Can one change what you desire?
Or is it proper to simply be rejected?

And as I sit here…alone (12/28/2008)
I remember.
So far away.
My heart burns.
To know me.
Stop.
I am a product.
Inevitability.
A lottery of the mind.
Yesterday.
Trying to be tomorrow.
Fear purpose.
Search forever.
Inevitably.

Torment/Fail/Regret/Clash (1/4/2009)
The torment.
Like a constant reminder.
That has forgotten where it is.
You’re chosen.

The failure.
An unforgiving corollary.
Escape reality.
Toss it to the future.

The regret.
An uncontrollable fear.
Fight, for you are right.
Drive your self away.

The clash.
Pick up sticks.
Drop and lose.
Repeat.

Stay Misfit (1/4/2009)
So far away.
To know me.
A lottery of the mind.
Yesterday.
My heart burns.
I remember.
Stop.
Fear purpose.
I am a product.
Trying to be tomorrow.

Untitled (1/6/2009)
You look in the mirror, and wonder who you are
You write your thoughts as they stream through your head
You listen to music to inspire you
You think your life is deep and vast
And it is
But you can’t help but search for the answers
It clouds your thoughts
Keeps you from focusing
And I can’t focus either
Which is why we can never be together

I know, but I can’t stop it?

Shadow of a Man (started:4/20/2009,"finished":8/19/2009)

I
Falling into darkness
I become my shadow
Gray and lifeless

I am, by my nature, evidence
That the light exists
But it has deserted me

There is no figure leading me
My path is free
But where should I go?

I flow over a static earth
Still feeling the sting
Of the rocky ground

Feeling a breeze through short hair
Two hands smoothly caressing
These are only memories to me

The closest I feel to being alive
Is sensing the slow puttering
Of cold raindrops

People carry on above me
They call me the lonely specter
Their own shadows avoiding me

Some offer me their hands
Only to scrape the surface
Hopelessly, I move on

I find shelter in the night
Where no one can see my huddled figure
Leaving a trail of dew on the grass

II
On an afternoon of unusual cold
I was disturbed by the feeling of warm drops
Falling from above

I beheld the figure of a woman
And despite the haze from her tears
I knew I was beholding beauty

Escape
This was all she searched for
But instead she found me

As she became aware of my presence
Aware of what I was
She saw a sense of herself reflected in me

I have been brought so low
I had forgotten how it feels
Wanting to console another

But I knew I could offer her nothing
So we simply shared
In our common misery

I have never considered
Not being alone in my grief
But she is following my path

As she reveals her deep despair
I can feel her dragging closer
See her light dimming

Before I can realize
The harm I have done
I am forced silent

The shade of night approaches
My shape and voice disappear
As darkness creeps over the earth

She thinks I am gone
Does not realize I am still waiting
As she falls asleep by my side

III
At night, I am the darkness
I am driven to cover the light
But I will not let her follow me

I fight away the shadows
Trespass against nature
So she may lay there in light

The beauty of her figure
Once again overtakes me
As I feel myself begin to fade

I have assured she will not follow me
She will not fall into darkness
And so I gladly pay the ultimate price

As my perception of the world weakens
I spend my strength focusing on her light
And softly ask her to remember me

I hope the darkness
Will become a little lighter
Without me there

IV
A slight breeze
A touch of the hand
Yes, I recall these feelings

But never so vividly
As that day I woke up
Next to my lovely Nova

My life has been given new breath
A new hope
Found through the darkest of means

She alone could pull me
From my desolate place
To find the light

For I saw it in her eyes
Though despair may have held her
I saw the promise of her life

I now see a new light in her eyes
Telling me we will live our lives
To their fullest
Together

THE QUIPS

(3/29/2008)
It’s hidden in everyone you meet

(8/7/2009)
The color of her eyes were the same as the scars on my heart

(8/15/2009)
Him: "That smile will be the end of me"
Her: "...and the beginning of us"
(Major make-out session ensues)

THE LITERATURE

Memoir Beginning(1/9/2006)
How often do things simply seem cliché? Originality has been in decline since the dawn of man. There are only a certain number of ways that one thing can be done. My name is Reed, and this is just one of the many things I notice in the ever advancing world. While my views may not be universal, they come from my experience living in the same world as everyone else. I can only hope that sharing my experiences can teach a few lessons. My only request is that you do not approach them will either a fickle or hardened heart. I only ask that you take these experiences to heart and let them help you grow as they helped me.

FICKLE (8/12/2006)
He had planned it for so long, He could not remember when the idea had come to him, or if he had always known it was his purpose. He tried to put this question out of his mind, he knew the true answer in his heart. He was prepared now, ready to execute his plan. Soon he would be God…
The bodies laid there. All he could do was stare. He knew from the beginning that it would come to this moment. He had hoped for anything except what was happening to him right then.
It was three days since he had started. No sleep had not stopped him. He had executed his plan perfectly. If not for his great intelligence he would have never made it through. He had spent so much time planning, going through every possible circumstance. He had spent so much time thinking how he would acquire his subjects. He had hoped he would acquire none, but his experience had taught him to expect otherwise. He had become so proficient in the past few years that it was not hard to believe that so many had followed him.
His reflection on how well he had executed his plan did not last long. He now felt it, what his emotion had covered since he had had his first thoughts about his mission.
All he wanted was to teach a lesson. He wanted to use what he had learned to the best of his abilities. He had felt so strongly. The emotion carried him through his tedious preparation. He wanted to share the message with the rest of the world. All his feebler attempts had failed. He knew that people would not, could not understand, unless he took a different approach. So he slowly prepared the first of his plans, the one that would be the most difficult. He knew that if he could accomplish this first, he could accomplish any of his missions.
He had seen himself as on a mission from God, for his mission was inspired by God. It was God’s own words that inspired his first mission. “At that time if anyone says to you, 'Look, here is the Christ!' or, 'Look, there he is!' do not believe it. For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and miracles to deceive the elect—if that were possible. So be on your guard; I have told you everything ahead of time.” He had waited until the week during which this was said at mass.
Everyone from that mass was now lying before him. They had all believed him. Believed that he truly was the Messiah.
Their fickle faith had led to their demise. Jesus had just told them to be prepared, but they, as so many before them, had turned a deaf ear. This is what he wanted to punish. This is what he felt so strongly against.
He still stood there, so long it seemed, trying not to see what was right in front of him. As it does for so many, it all became so clear to him in one heart wrenching moment. He had felt so pure in preparing for his mission. It was only now that he realized that it was his emotions that were leading his actions, not God. It was his own fickle heart, succumbing to his humanity that led to the horror that he now beheld. He knew that he was not the Messiah, but that did not stop him from acting as God and taking these people’s lives. He had become the person who he had hated all along.
He stared at the only filled glass left in the room in front of him. He could not do it again. No matter how much he wanted to, he could not make the glass in front of him empty as all around him had. He sat down and laid his head on the table. This would not be the same sleep that he had longed for.

Story (written throughout freshman year, copied exactly as written, unfinished now and forever)
He had everything to look forward to. This would be his first year at college. He knew his major and what he wanted to be when he grew up. He knew how his life was supposed to be. But he wasn't there yet.
The first time he woke after a few hours in the car it wasn't because he had had enough sleep. He had only had a couple hours of sleep the night before, using his time to make sure he had everything that he wanted to take with him. He actually awoke because it was time for lunch. He got out of the car, and found the comb in his pocket, which he had purposely brought so he could comb his hair to try to hide the fact he had been sleeping. He figured he probably should have brought some eyedrops too after his mom told him his eyes were all red. He told himself to shrug it off, figuring that all the people he saw he would never see again, though he couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed. His family, his mom dad and older sister, who was going into her final year of college, all went into the rest stop and got in line to get some food. Eating with his family was something that Joe had never really enjoyed. He didn't really know why, but every conversation around the dinner table always seemed awkward to him. He didn't really care what his family had to say about most subjects. One of these subjects, which happened to be the conversation at the moment, was religion. Joe was a very religious person, more so than any of his friends, but for some reason he could not stand it when his family talked about it. He felt that it was probably a product of him not wishing to mix religion with his social life, even though he knew this was contrary They would talk about.... Even worse than this was his family's inability to come up with conversation, leading to long awkward silences at the table. This especially upset him when his mother would ask him to stay at the table when he had finished eating before everyone else. And of course his mother was a very slow eater.
Once

When the awkward

He knew that he put up a religious front, even though he didn't mean to. He had been an altar server since grade school, and had been a leader on retreats and had done a lot of community service for the church. However, he felt that this front did not properly reflect who he was inside. He knew that many people were proud of him for what he had done, but he didn't feel proud of himself. He always had to force himself to do what he knew he should. People tended to make him feel more important than he felt. Some people would tell him he would grow up to be a great priest, some a successful millionaire, others a wonderful father. He had learned that this was just their personal reflection on him, for they knew nothing of him, even those closest to him. He knew that it was his decision what he would be, he just didn't know what that was. He had gone over it in his mind many times. Should he try to be a success in the field that he chose? When he thought of this he could only think of what good it would truly do for others. What purpose would adding more information to the world achieve? He already knew that the world was too cluttered. He had already figured out that a simple life is the best. But then what should he do if not learn? Could he teach? But what to teach? If he taught the field that he studied, wouldn't that compound the problem already stated? What about

He was afraid to share his true feelings. People would judge him. He knew that if he followed his own convictions everything would be set, but because he knew he didn’t have the willpower to do so, he was afraid of being a hypocrite

The time that the person had questioned his conviction and realized that he actually didn't follow it, it killed him inside. He couldn’t stand that disappointment again.

He had the guts to ask the question
He asked how it felt living with a sinful past
Too bad he couldn’t recall the answer

Notes for writing a fictional book/movie (2/9/2006)
The character breaks some unbreakable boundary, but undoes it so no one knows he did it

The character breaks a boundary that he broke just to prove he could, to himself

The unbreakable thing has disastrous consequences but the character can undo them

The character turns off lights when he enters a room and turns them on when he leaves

The character steals a lot of money (billions) but the gov’t thinks it is unaccounted for (destroyed, fire), but he then rereleases it into the world and destroys the economy

Character gets angry about something he feels is right, but it turns out he was wrong and it is hard for him to try to get out of his anger and admit his error

Your script: mob mentality, narrator’s views opposite of what is implied, cock crows, more money
Intro of main character: has something everyone thinks is threatening, then looks like it’s not, but then IS!
Looks at picture, you never know what it is
Spells something
Make something up about long ago that makes something that happens today make sense
Reflection in glasses that isn’t really there

Scitzo- been done

"To answer this question is to misunderstand everything that I have said."

If your faith has changed by reading this, you are too fickle and shouldn’t believe in anything
If you have rejected everything I have wrote, you are not open enough to the views of others
If this had helped your faith grow, it has served its purpose
--------------------------
Start the movie with a person meeting a person they thought they had lost on a normal day at a normal time
Reed is walking down the street and passes a person as he would anyone else “hello Reed” (from behind) Reed turns around, recognizes the person, tears form in his eyes and he embraces the person for a long while, then zoom out to a wide shot

End of story, the two plan to meet, Reed waits for them, flashbacks while he waits

Every overused phrase that the character says makes him realize it is overused and the real significance is revealed in flashes, i.e. “God Bless You”

Movie has “peripheral vision” you can’t see but the center of vision

The effect that dreams have on a person’s day:

Dream: Intimate talk between a man and a woman in which they reveal their intimate feelings for one another
Day: We see the male character’s normal interactions with this woman, hints of flirtation but no concrete relationship established (up in the air)
Dream: Man is with another woman, sharing his own intimate feelings. She leans in and kisses him intimately
Day: We find that the man is now in a relationship with the first girl. We see the other girl pass by and wave flirting at the man.

Write the story of a man who runs from a deadly situation, make it seem that his actions were correct and he should have ran and not helped others, or maybe that it wasn’t really his fault he left (his horse took him)
Then tell the story of the other man who sees his actions as wrong and cowardly, and tell of how he was a hero and saved the people. Tell of his accepting heroism and becoming famous and make it seem that he was right in accepting all this honor
Then tell the story of the person who thinks he is a pompous jerk and critiques everything. All of his critiques seem correct, until…
The story of another who proves all his critiques wrong…
Continue this until you end with a perfect person who the reader will expect to be wrong, but is not.

Refer to the narrator as “I” very seldom, but have a meaning to it at the end

(5/2/2009)

May 2, 1:46 PM EDT
Creating Life on a Smaller Scale
By JACK FRIEGEL and JEANNINE SAMUELS
Associated Press Writers
WASHINGTON (AP)-- Using the powers of modern genetic engineering combined with revolutions in protein engineering scientists have created the first multi-cell, multi-organ animal organism out of mini-cells. The mini-cell, as a refresher, is a living cell that can perform all of the functions of a normal cell, at about one third the size. The creation of these cells would not have been possible without two breakthroughs in the understanding of protein evolution. Through the first, engineers were able to reproduce all of the functions of known proteins on a scale ranging from one half to one hundredth the size of the model proteins. The second allowed them to cut the number of proteins cells need to function almost in half by reducing the length of messenger passageways. Introducing the DNA encoded with these proteins into a blank cell template, scientists found that the cells naturally shrank due mostly to their maintenance of cell membrane protein concentration as well as changes in osmotic pressure.
The recent revolution has come from the implantation of manufactured embryos into carrier animals. OMN Corp. would not divulge either the carrier species or the species of animals being developed. While several injections of the mini-proteins were necessary, scientists found that the fetus was able to become viable, requiring less time to develop than an ordinary fetus of the same species. More importantly, they could successfully vary the size of the animals by using different types of mini-cells, down to about half of the average for the species.
Scientists are now working to create the same result with a human fetus. This revolution could alter the currently dooming outlook on overpopulation. If human fetal production is accomplished, it would only take a few generations of gradual decrease to reduce the mass of the human population by 25%, even if current population trends continue. Because of the current problems associated with population growth, which have no sign of reducing despite global efforts, some governments have stated that they could mandate fertilization with these mini-cell fetuses to ensure the success of a population mass reduction program.
AP Writer Francine Gerard contributed to this report.
© 2064 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy.

THE THOUGHTS

My Xanga Entries (Sometime 2004)

This day, I’ll try it again
Can’t say a word
Would u speak for me
Or turn your back like the rest
I guess I’ll try it alone

This day, I’ll try it again
Dunno if I’m the light in the darkness
Or am I just kidding myself
But still
This day, I’ll try it again
(And take it as it goes)

Everyone here doesn’t seem to get it
Am I really the only one
What is this inside me
Can’t seem to get rid of it
Don’t really want to but everyone seems like they already have
What do you want from me
Can’t seem to find it
Guess I gotta take it as it goes
Hope I can take it
(Chorus)
How can a person change so quickly
Or how can they just never change
How can I change these people
What do I need
Is it the knowledge or the faith
That answer is simple
But on the other hand, can only one suffice
There just doesn’t seem to be enough time
And then again, why won’t it just go by faster
(Chorus)
Can I do it by myself
Or should I search for someone else
If I try to search, will it b in vain
If I don’t, will I miss out on something great
I can only hope I can keep going
Trial and tests I have failed
But, this day, I’ll try it again
And take it as it goes
(Chorus)
------------------------------
I was listening to a song today
One that I’ve heard before many times and have thought about a lot
It’s a song about a boy who committed suicide in front of his class
It’s called Jeremy by Pearl Jam
Eddie Vedder wrote this song about a real boy who did this in a Texan suburb and also about a friend he knew in high school
http://www.korat.co.il/pearljam/Ibook/Ten/jeremy.html
Whenever I think about this song I always pray for those that have given up like this because of others
We truly live in a terrible world
You can think about things as big as the Holocaust and as small as a little known suicide in a small town and know that things need to change
We have reconciliation tomorrow, so let that be the beginning
Try to start over
I know I am
This day, I’ll try it again
Tomorrow, try to do something good for someone else
Just anything, it’ll do
It’ll do more than you know
Have a nice day

Drinking (5/3/2006)
I feel like giving up drinking. The past few times I have found that it makes me too depressed and at the end of the night it leaves me alone with thoughts that I don’t want. Maybe it’s just because of the company I’ve shared the past few times I’ve been drinking. I do remember having a lot of fun the other times I was drunk, but that fun seems so far away and all I can feel is disappointment. Only time will tell if my will is strong enough to stop myself whether in that same group or with another.

Comment: On this note, most of the entries in this section are one of these three: drunken musings (this next one is certainly that), excerpts from my AIM profile, or genuine personal reflections. I can’t be certain which are which but for a few, so I will leave that for you to interpret.

(Sometime late spring semester 2006, written on several post-it notes)
Where has simplicity gone?
This is what you search for.
"Searching for the perfect blossom would not be a wasted life."
Make sure you know where your life is going.
What does making it all simple accomplish?

Why do you question it so much when depressed?
I feel like I'm at my best when I'm depressed.
What will this lead to?
I just love stopping and just looking at everything.
Just don't forget to see the positive!!!

You think you're crazy because you are.
What is different about your mind?
Why do you think so much more clearly when depressed?

Appreciate EVERYONE!
They're with you for a reason, and don't forget you're with them for a reason too.
Die for them, give up everything, give them all you have to give!

I feel too connected to my body.
I closed my eyes and everything was gone.
Focus.
Remember.
Why do feelings leave you when you understand and want them to stay and the ones you don't want always come back?

What will ever satisfy you?
Anyone can find problems with anything.
Fear.
"Be not afraid"
You're already almost there.
Disregard your fear, anxiety and ASK!

"Don't worry about it. You helped me figure a lot of stuff out. Maybe not as much as I wanted or needed, but you know, I'm getting there. Thank You."

What is it about song/music that delves into me?
It doesn't matter.
I think it just matters that it takes you to a state of mind that can't be found anywhere else.
Is it just escape?

Remember that it is likely that everyone is searching by the same method you are.
Your personality just might be more unique.
Remember! But don't let it affect you.
This may be how you start anew.

If anything don't drag people into your thinking.
Avoid people when you are in a state that needs avoiding.
You can't ever be totally sure!

(5/30/2006)
And he had everything to look forward to
But this was just a memory and none of his dreams had actually come true

(6/1/2006)
It’s funny how easy life would be if you forget about some people
But then it wouldn't really be my life if I forgot about them would it?

(6/15/2006)
Maybe they had something to teach us
Too bad it’s too late for us to learn

(7/24/2006)
Until I find love all I have are my instincts

(7/30/2006)
Shouldn’t we be sick of expressing our feelings
Using song lyrics by now?
I mean aren’t we smart enough to express how we feel in our words
Like now, I'm lonely and bored
Anybody want to change that, be my guest

(8/6/2006)
Why would you want to wish bad things happen to you?

Believe (8/6/2006)
I know why you don't believe
Just give me a while
I'll show you why you should

(8/7/2006)
Some things aren't meant to be forgotten
And some things are

And she had everything to look forward to
But this was just a memory and none of her dreams had actually come true

And it kills me inside
I’m sorry I can't be perfect for you

Some things need to be learned by yourself
Not enough of that goes on anymore

(8/7/2006)
I try to understand myself from everyone else's point of view
I try to fit in as best possible
I have to sacrifice too much to do this

Thought (8/7/2006)
A thought crosses my mind
It changes me for a moment
Everything becomes clear

It becomes a memory
I don’t want to forget
I try to hold on to the feeling

It is a part of me
It will always be there
That’s why I’m a hypocrite

I’d like to share it

It pained me most
When you told me how u felt

(8/9/2006)
I’ve decided that no one should have convictions that strong, because your decisions on matters should be based on the situation

Pity (8/11/2006)
I've done wrong in the past
But at least I knew it was wrong
It’s better than just doing it because it feels good
Not knowing the difference
Or how it hurts other people
I have pity for them

Or is it they who should have pity on you
For which is worse
Doing something wrong and not knowing it
Or doing it despite knowing it

(8/12/2006)
Why must u make everything in life conditional
It makes u weak

(8/27/2006)
I must be doing something wrong, else I wouldn’t feel this way
Man I’m good at hiding stuff

(8/27/2006)
Everything goes as it should
Or so he suspects

When you find your way
Don’t look back
However, when you do look back
Look with your heart

(9/5/2006)
You have lived your life only to fit in
When was the last time you went against the grain?
You just want everyone to like you
Could you be more selfish?

(9/5/2006)
Don’t you love it when you learn something new about yourself?
well not me
cause it hasn't been a good thing in years

the answers are there
and there they shall stay

(9/7/2006)
I was reminded of something
Old but familiar
Does it mean that I’m still in there?
Somewhere

I don't define myself by who i am today
Because I haven't been me in a while
I can remember me
But I can't seem to get there

(9/12/2006)
For so long you looked for someone to fix
Now you're the only one who needs fixing

(9/26/2006)
I should be doing anything else
I can’t help but look forward
I can’t see much
But I have faith
In myself

(9/26/2006)
I see you and me
It’s glossy and fading
But I won’t give up

Prove it to me
Time will tell

(9/26/2006)
When it begins
How will you know?
Will you change?
And when you do
Will it be for the better?
The questions of life go unanswered
Only for those who keep asking them

(9/27/2006)
From the outside looking in, you can never understand me. From the inside looking out, I can never explain it.

(9/30/2006)
I’m just not used to living the same life as everyone else
I don’t remember what my life was like before
But it was different
And better

(10/4/2006)
Stick me in a world governed by my own convictions and would i fit right in, or just screw it up again?

(10/6/2006)
I would give up everything for something I believed in
But I don't believe in anything
And I have nothing to give up

(10/6/2006)
I know I don't deserve it
And I’m sorry
But can I go back to how it used to be?

(11/2/2006)
I have never considered living in a “middle time.” I always figured I was here because it would include the end of days.

(11/13/2006)
I haven’t experienced much in this world
And my amount of experience is not increasing
All you do is learn, nothing is really new

(11/13/2006)
You don’t seem to realize how mature you should be
Maybe it’s the people around you keeping you from it

(12/4/2006)
Here I am again
Just drained of everything I had
I’ve given up
Hope
Is for those that haven’t figured out they’re hopeless
You can see all the love around you
But can’t figure out how you fit in
And it’s pushed me this far
To give up again
We’ll see how long it lasts

Comment: This is certainly in reference to those spells of depression that some may or may not remember that I went through freshman and sophomore years. You can probably tell by now there was a lot that I kept to myself that directly led to these.

(12/5/2006)
Life has caught up with me
Which is good cuz we need to have a serious talk

(12/27/2006)
So what you gonna do?
You gonna see it through?
Or will it just die?
That feeling inside

(1/22/2007)
Everything will eventually be the past
Especially the things you treasure most

And yet I’m still not there
And all I can do is done

And nothing ever changes

And its all up to you
HOPE

(2/6/2007)
I used to look for something I’ve never seen
Now that I have I’ll never be the same

(3/11/2007)
I find that I rely on decisions that I’ve made in the past
I’ve lost the ability to trust the decisions I make now
I’m not living in the now, I’m somewhere else

It has nothing to do with you, I hope
I just need a little time to recoup
Time to get back to norm
Whatever that might be

What I’ve learned thus far (5/8/2007)
Everyone has their own outlet for when their thoughts build up inside
How a person grows up has a great effect on how they function socially and view the social functions of others
You will never have it exactly right, so all you can do is try to continue to learn from others and experience as much as you can
I feel that I am trying to find God in other people now, letting their lives become a well of knowledge for me to help me grow and find my place
It is still your job to help others as well, teach them what you have learned, see if what worked for you can also work for them, not only vice versa

A clue about guys (5/20/2007)
When we experience something we forget it easily and don’t know exactly how to get that feeling back
Makes us make dumb choices for a glimmer of that feeling, and it usually doesn’t work

(5/23/2007)
It’s eerie how many things running has in common with my life:
-I always set myself up with the highest of expectations
-The endorphins kick in, and for a moment I am happy, but this doesn’t last long
-I try to quit, by somehow I find the motivation to keep going, beyond even my own comprehension
-No matter the effort I put forth, as hard as I try I still stay in the same place
-No one is there to cheer me on

(5/23/2007)
“How do you know what you want?” asked the little boy.
The old man replied, “That’s easy my boy, but if I were to tell you it would take the fun out of learning it for yourself.”

(5/23/2007)
If you scare people they’ll start to think
And if they think they’ll be even more scared

(6/11/2007)
If you’re always right
Why do you fear so much being wrong?

(6/11/2007)
If you woke up one day
To find your wife with another man
But everything else in the world
Perfect

Would you try to fix it
Or give her up
For everyone else

(7/17/2007)
Die with me
For I have no one to live with

The Moment (8/12/2007)
Sure you can forget and just live in the moment
But you are leaving a part of yourself behind
And you will always know it, no matter how caught up you become
Yet we continue to seek the carefree expeditions of our youth
But those times are gone, and even the most desperate attempts are futile
So I implore you to enjoy yourself as you are
For time will certainly change you
But it is just as certain that you will not heed my entreaty
For who can say that they expected themselves as they are
When they were young

(9/24/2007)
I can find another lover
but I can't find another me

Comment: This is where my musings seem to gain significant depth, length and effort put into them. It was a point where I was doing the most internal reflection, as many may remember this time as the “asshole” part of my life. As I was trying to get back to who I knew I was I did a lot of internal reflecting, likely the reason for the extra effort in my attempts to define life. While I am on the subject I can give you my best explanation I can muster for what exactly happened that lead to that ill-fated semester:
At the end of my relationship with Liz I found a new sense of trying to be a more vocal person about how I feel and trying to not leave things unsaid around the people I care about, a desire that you may be able to tell I carry with me to this day. But as many people could also tell, this was not something that I carried through into the following junior year. For this I now put the blame entirely on myself and my immaturity in dealing with the situation immediately following my break up. I was so gung-ho about my new resolution that I failed to anticipate Liz’s unpreparedness to embrace it when I requested that we discuss what went wrong just days after the break-up. To be honest I much more my used my resolution as overcompensation for my feelings and really did not give myself enough time to reflect on my own emotional circumstances, as I’m sure she was more wisely doing. So I was unsurprisingly distraught when the plan that I had invested myself in did not achieve what was its true purpose: to allow me to retain a “platonic” relationship with my former girlfriend. Because nothing between us had been resolved I was very nervous at the end of summer about returning to ND and so when it came to the point of deciding whether to face my past or ignore it, I took the coward’s way out and became the antithesis of the code which I had put myself to following with all my friends left in the wake. The rest is pretty much history, and I can only be thankful that I finally came to my senses and even more grateful that my friends were gracious enough to take me back. As an extra side note I must say that the one point that had always weighed heavy on my heart was that Liz and I never really got back to a working friendship. I will always be disappointed in myself that chance after chance came and went without action on my part while we were still at ND, but I am proud to say that we finally took the time to resolve the issue. While many would say "too little, too late," my conscious disagrees and it’s just one of those things I can say doesn’t weigh me down any more. Strangely enough, my inspiration to finally talk to Liz came in the shower while I was singing along to none other than "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik (hopefully someone will get this reference). Reflecting on the matter, I asked myself, “If you feel so bad about never making up, why not just do it now?” So I did. All that time and emotion came down to something so simple and easy, and I’d have it no other way.
So now back to the regular programming. Please enjoy these, my most in depth musings thus far…

(10/10/2007)
Attraction is so simple
A few things in common lead to what seems like a thousand
Then you learn everything about each other’s lives
You finally feel comfortable with each other wherever you go
You get even more comfortable when you’re alone
And then you realize that you really don’t know who this person really is
You want to take that extra step
That step towards a true connection
And it starts slowly
You tell her everything she deserves from you
She confides her truest self
Your connection deepens as you realize how well you understand each other
And you finally feel it bloom
You feel it not only inside yourself
You know that you feel exactly how she feels
And you finally share it with each other
True love

(10/30/2007)
When it comes down to life or love, my only question is what has made you give up on having both?

(4/4/2008)
The reason that you feel the need to complain, brag and have a physical connection with someone is all for the same reason. You feel the need to be reassured in your relationships, and these are the most concrete ways of doing such, or provoking others to do such.
Is it because you can’t find the ability to trust someone?
Is it drawn from your own uncertainty in your ability to continue a relationship or change feelings about someone?
-but isn’t that simply cyclic?

In the longest rant of my life… (4/13/2008)
There is an figure in my head that I can only describe as perfect, and it is this image that will always keep me from living my life to its potential, for I created it such that it will never disappear, never fade, won't leave me alone and it will ever continue to taunt me for it is a constant reminder of the past that I will never rid myself of, in all the mistakes I have made, it still remains there, and there is no solace for there can be no existence of what one holds only in the mind, forever it will stay captured, not only simply a concept, but a reality when I am most vulnerable, not always remembered, but in the times when I do recall it moves to the front of my mind where it brings to my life confusion and continuing questions, friends become enemies, past becomes present, happiness turns to tears, and as I awake from my next dream my only hope is that its presence will be fleeting so I do not have to continue to fight to recover my own sanity, it is simply too difficult, as my life is for the weak and in only looking at the light I retreat to the darkness where I find too much company and comfort in those who cannot see the fear in these eyes, for it is their lives that I desire, that which I can only see on the outside, never exploring the inside for I never want to expose my own fear, so my life continues, a rolling egg, so fragile, but against all odds it has not been cracked, and every once in a while I take a moment to pause, to try to understand why I am alone in my own experience of emotions, why, in this world of billions, is the only thing I have discovered myself, and I will continue to question, where are your feelings, can't I share in them, can't you feel mine, will we be one with one another, can we help ourselves from a pure sense of hope?

Truth (5/6/2008)
as for truth, I carry none, for it is a burden God has deemed me unworthy to bear, but he has not kept from me the desire to hold it, and so I will continue to roam this earth in search for something I can never achieve, wandering forever with a smile on my face and a spring in my step, but with eyes behind which carry the sorrow of thousands of questions which will never be answered
…at least not yet

Meaning (5/18/2008)
It's so easy to find meaning in something that does not carry it
Probably because no one can really know what holds meaning and what doesn't
An unexpected gift
A dream that stays with you all day
A new crush on a pretty girl
A chance encounter with an old friend
An inspirational moment in a film
Music that tears at your soul
The fresh start of a new year
These are the moments that give us hope, they remind us of what life can be
But the feeling that they evoke can only be described as hope, and what is life if all one can do is hope
These moments are meaningless
The true test of one's humanity is what you do with this hope
Do you grasp these moments and let them inspire you, let them force you to do what you most deeply desire?
Or do you let them fade away with the wind?
Yes, all moments are meaningless
Unless you are willing to fight to give them meaning

Healed (5/29/2008)
It may feel like you are so far off the path to who you want to be that you cannot achieve it, and for many this is true. What we must understand is that we are not alone in our struggle to attain who it is we want to be. Those who can never achieve it make it into an internal struggle, but we must look to others to help us. This does not come simply, for it is only through helping others in their struggles that the power to heal oneself can be attained.

Why? (6/15/2008)
Why would you possibly say it?
What possible reason could you have for saying that you understand the same things as me?

There could be someone who could understand
But they have to ask for it
With their heart

Reed McDonagh...never stops thinking, and just wants you to ask him what he's thinking about. (6/17/2008)
A lot of people may think that thinking about things too much can only be detrimental to your emotional health, but it is not sharing what you’re thinking about that causes the strain. The only way I survive it is from the hope that I will one day find someone to listen.

Alone (6/21/2009)
What are you feeling right now?
This question worries me
For the answer is oft the same
And as I build up the desire of the answer
And contemplate its ability to satisfy the query
I fear it will bring too much emotion to the surface
With nowhere for it to run off
And in answering it I must show my own weakness
But I must continue to query myself of it
Lest I become lost in me
But I too may become lost in describing it
So oft the answer is simple
I feel alone
But it is not for the lack of companionship
It is that I cannot truly share in the lives of those around me
Just as they cannot share in mine
I desire a true connection of emotional being
For just the sense of my own does not satisfy me
I can feel the whole spectrum of emotion
And know all others carry them too
But when I try to share my life in others'
I look into their eyes
And hope to see understanding
But all I have found is judgment
And an unending sense of separation
But I have hope that this is not the end
That there will be one with whom I can share true understanding
And though it has been a long time coming
And much has built up in either our lives
We will be able, for a moment, to share in a feeling of joy
Both new and familiar

(6/21/2008)
So you must conjure every emotion
To rid yourself of one

Cloudy (10/2/2008)
One truth that I have found thus far is that all of our lives are covered in some sort of cloud. It’s like that that feeling you get when you continually put something off and it just lingers in the back of your mind. You always feel a relief when you finally complete it. But this cloud, it cannot be taken away from completing a simple errand. Some people may try to ignore it, try to just not think about it, Lord knows I've been one. But it is always there, nagging at you. But ignoring yourself is no way to go through life. If there is one word to describe this cloud, it would have to be "past." For what else could it be that could cover the present with continuously clouding thoughts? A lost love, a meeting that drives you to want a relationship, something that you said and regret, a fight with a friend. These are the things that truly cloud our lives, those that not only affect our interactions with others, but distract us throughout the day, keep our lives out of focus. Those moments of the past where our feelings have been on the line. But now that we are here and now, we do not want to put them back out there. We fear the thoughts and feelings of others, the irrational consequences that we concoct. And so we do nothing, and let ourselves just think and try to forget. But it is only through this inaction that these begin to blur our perception of the real world, turn us introverted and secluded from not only others, but even our own feelings as we try harder and harder to ignore them. It goes without saying that my life has been full of these moments that I have done my best to bury. A clouded life can only forebode a storm ahead, and I must say having been through a tough one, it is not something anyone wants to experience. So if my words can carry any weight, I can only challenge you to fight through the fog of the unknown and live your life. Let your feelings be free. These are the moments that define our lives. Make your choice and decide if you will stand up for your right to live, love and be free.

(11/19/2008)
I’m not perfect, I’m just me living in a world of people who aren’t me. I’m always learning, and though I may change, that won’t ever stop me from being me. So… lessons welcome.
I'm (11/25/2008)
I’m not perfect, I’m just me living in a world of people who aren’t me.
I’m always adapting, learning to understand how people who are not me can make me better.
There is a person in me, the one that you imagine when you close your eyes. The ideal person you hope me to be. He certainly is in me. But he needs your help.
My friends, I invite you to be the ones to create who you want me to be.
For what else is in my purpose but to serve my friends and neighbors.
And though I may change, and if need be, change back, I still won’t ever stop being me.
So… your lessons, life stories, critiques, advise, whatever it is your soul is urging you say or do, I will always welcome it with an open heart.
I have learned to be an open book, and I have left you room to write.
This is all I can expect from a friend, and I just want to thank you for it.

Gain and Loss (11/28/2008)
I must say that as I prepare to leave college I feel I have gained much wisdom, but lost a lot of maturity.

Haunted (12/8/2008)
Everything is going to come back to haunt me
Junior year will repeat itself
If only in my mind
Why do I still dream?

Everyone (12/13/2008)
I don’t want to be selfish
I don’t want to be more special than anyone else
It’s just that the outlet for all I’ve got inside
It involves everyone

Four (12/28/2008)
1. That perfect someone you search for, is only in your mind
2. Your feelings tear you in twain, such that you don’t believe you can contain them for someone else
3. Music, theater makes you search your soul for the answers.
4. No one can truly experience your life as you live it.

Step 2 (8/5/2009)
There is always some sort of block between two people. Best called a mental block, there is always something keeping you from sharing what you are thinking at that moment from the closest person to you. The next time you feel that desire to hold something back, just imagine yourself saying it aloud to that person. Now, the point of this is not to learn how to say what you’re feeling to the other person, but rather to understand what keeps you from saying it. What is it about how you expect the person to react to what you say that keeps you from saying it? You conceive that this person see’s you in a certain positive way, and you strive to keep it that way. This is how you can determine your relationships with the people around you. It is more in what you don’t say than in what you do. If what this reveals is how you want your relationships to be, then your life should need no change. If not, I think you can guess what step 2 might be.

Room (2/26/2009)
I have never accepted my room in Siegfried as my own. Everywhere there are signs that I don’t want to be alone here. I don’t see it as a sanctuary. Just a reminder of my loneliness that is so rarely filled.

Next (1/29/2009)
The only thing that gets me through this is the fact that I am stuck inside this bubble, that whatever I have with me now, I can’t take it all back with me. I can start over, I have to start over. Will I just run into the same old problems again, or will the fact that it is open-ended change it all?
It’s not that I think too much.
I think just as little or much as anyone else.
It’s that I wonder why it is that I think about what do.
And right now I wonder why it is I question what naturally comes to my head.
And what it is I could possibly wonder next.

(1/29/2009)
If everyone else didn’t want to, I would dance in the middle of every crowded place.
Somehow I will find a moment of me.

Call it what you will (2/21/2009)
It’s our choice
To seek or lie still
To speak or remain silent
To feel or ignore
You will never know me
As well as I know myself
Because I’m too afraid
To do any of these

Pause
Listen
Reflect
Feel

I write (3/3/2009)
I write for myself, because I enjoy the revival of emotions, so that they not be forgotten.
But I also write for them, who even though they can never experience the true emotion of what I have written, have the possibility of experiencing something greater than my own intention. This is all that I could ever hope for.

THE QUOTES
“Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
-Max Ehrman

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
-Mark Twain

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-Lao Tsu

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
-Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
-Oscar Wilde

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
-J.R.R. Tolkien

In our lack of understanding we see only our own weakness and His greatness.
-War and Peace pg. 393

He is aware that his ideas are cerebral and lack something
-SparkNotes comment on War and Peace

THE MUSIC

Comments on "Let That Be Enough" -Switchfoot
(12/13/2008)
Lyrics can mean so much to you when you want them to
And later you wonder where you found the emotion in the song
Because you just don’t like it anymore
But it’s not that the song’s emotion that is lacking
It’s your one expression of your need for that emotional connection
It fulfilled it when you needed it

Comment: I listened to this song way too much on the night before my 22nd birthday, mostly because it has the line "It's my birthday tomorrow... I was born this Thursday 22 years ago" (it was off by two days :-P). Also, the line "Yeah, who am I? Just a kid who knows he's needy" really hit home for me. I know that I tend to be a crybaby when not enough attention is spent on me, but I really don't like the attention of my birthdays. Because I know I enjoy it too much I just don't want to forced into being the center of attention. I dunno, I guess I just want people to pay attention to me because they want to, because I earned it, not because my date of birth dictates it. But then again, here I am writing this just for you to pay attention to it. Seems I can't help myself...

Comments on "4th of July" -Soundgarden
So this song has gone far beyond having any meaning to me anymore. Now it is just a reminder of a song that had a deep meaning to me (see previous entry). It reminds me of a previous person that I was, just as good as this one, but a little less confident in sharing his feelings.

Comments on “_____”
(1/30/2007)
“We stayed outside til two,
Waiting for the light to come back,
But hid in talk I knew,
Until you asked what I was thinking.”

The talk I know is what I can talk to anyone about
When asked what I was thinking I felt that I could really tell it to you

Comments on “Atlantic” -Keane
(3/17/2008)
It has been a long time, but it is not the “empty house” that you should fear, but the empty life that will have no reward after it

Comments on “Erase Replace” -Foo Fighters
(1/20/2009)
I have never been able to master the art of erasing and replacing
Everything I've ever experienced is always there in the back of my mind
In my moments of silence they relentlessly pervade my mind
My dreams are an endless reminder of my mistakes
In all my studies, social and academic, I try to add to my mind
But how do I subtract from it?
Not permanently, because I never want to forget
But how does one keep their mind from always turning to the past in its times of loneliness?
Does anyone have any idea what I'm talking about?
Alexithymia

Comments on “All I Need” -Radiohead
Does no one else feel when listening to this song the want, the desire to say to someone "you are all I need"? Some sort of emotional wave comes over me that is the epitome of hope that I could experience such a feeling, but also the sadness that I have not yet been able and the fear that I may never.

So you see I fall into my old habit of contemplating on my own loneliness, unable to grasp the gift of the present. This is my reason for trying to find a new repertoire of music so that when I'm lying there just letting the melody and lyrics flow through me, I don't have to feel sad or lonely. I've felt that for far to long. It's time for something new...

It's been such a long time that I will be just as overwhelmed the next time I find "the one"